“Who is your favorite superhero?”
I remember that growing up, the question has often inspired black-eyes and threats in the playground.
“My superhero is Batman. He has a cool cape and his sidekick is kinda cute.”
“Superman will kick Batman’s ass!”
“Not if Batman has Kryptonite!”
“Wonder Woman will kick everyone’s ass…”
“She is an ass! What’s the point of riding an invisible jet when everyone can see you!”
“And what’s the point of wearing briefs that everyone can see!”
A scuffle would ensue, along with (not-so-serious) threats of blacklisting somebody from your birthday party. But that was when I was in elementary, where DC reigned supreme and even that hero who can talk to fishes, Aqua-whatsizname, was invariably hotter than the Webbed One.
Things changed when I was in high school. Thanks to prime-time cartoons, I was suddenly thrust into a sub-culture where teen-aged boys were jerking off to Rogue (the implication that there is still a hot virgin somewhere in the US is just too much for any pubescent perv) and Jean Grey, while girls were keeping pictures of Scott Summers (Logan didn’t look like Hugh Jackman at that time) right there beside Donnie Wahlberg and the stars in Teen Beat.
As an adult, I have had more sympathies with Marvel Superheroes than with DC ones. I don’t know, but there is just something about a guy shooting something white and sticky at the sight of a gorgeous girl that makes the travails of Spidey and Stan Lee’s minions more grounded.
How could you not cheer for a guy who really worries over rent and paying the bills while he’s on the prowl looking for bad guys to catch? I mean, as a barya-naire, I hardly have time to sympathize with a billionaire playboy, not even when he looks like Christian Bale or even George Clooney with visible nipples.
Anyhoo… it goes without saying that the Superheroes and Villains of Marvel have always fascinated me, especially the mutants. And this is what this article is all about, now that the latest installment of X-Men is around the corner with James McAvoy turning from faun to a pre-bald (and much hotter) Professor X, I’m compiling a list of mutant powers that I would like to have, and the things that I would do if I have them.
(Note: The Dark Phoenix is NOT on the list… she has proven that uncontrolled powers can lead to the demise of billions of people — now that would put me on the government’s wanted list and, and really, what’s the use of that much power when it starts to control you?)
5. Mystique. I’m going by the Mystique of the comics, not the movie. In the comics, I can’t remember her as being particularly limber, but she was certainly as hot as Rebecca “Don’t Call me Stamos” Romijn. Plus, she’s more than a hundred years old, according to mythos (hey – get me the water that she drinks – fast!).
I thought the Mystique of the comics was an idiot. Why go around naked and risk being discovered when you can assume any shape and form you want? So, if I were Mystique, I would not get around naked – for Chrissakes! What’s my shape-shifting powers for? I might probably be tempted to rob a bank (assume the form of the President of said bank, kill President, then run off with the money while constantly changing forms– and the police will have a band of very confused witnesses in their hands).
Ultimately, though, I might assume the form of the former President, steal back the millions she had stolen from the Filipino people, get rid of the Cabinet, then resign as Representative. That would save people a whole lot of grief.
4. Wolverine. Hmmm… apart from the fact that Hugh Jackman looks extra-hot in leather? Imagine what it would be like to be free from diseases, and your system practically immune to all kinds of toxins. With self-healing powers, I would virtually be indestructible, like adamantium. I could easily earn by posing as a model for beautiful skin (NO SCARS) and anti-ageing creams.
Imagine what it would be like to NOT age at all. Imagine the furor it would cause, the controversy, the media hullaballoo. I could get Hollywood guessing about my secret (“Did she stumble on the fountain of youth?” “No, idiot! She made a deal with the Devil!” “GASP!”).
And of course, I could get into fights – knife fights, gun fights – and watch my enemies jaws dropping to the ground as they see the gaping wounds patching up before their eyes, kind of like magic. Or maybe challenge Manny Pacquiao and wrest his title off him.
The only problem with self-healing powers that has kept me awake at night (seriously) is this: If I have a breech birth, how can I deliver the baby by C-section? Guess Lady Deathstryke didn’t have to worry about THAT one.
Okay… I’ll not include the adamantium part, because it was artificially grafted into his skeleton. Besides, it had been stripped by the next mutant on the list.
3. Magneto. Much of the known weapons are made from metal, so having Magneto’s powers pretty much places off most risky scenarios. Opponent has a gun? Fine. Use your powers. A knife fight? *Yawn* Disarm him, and quick. Really, I can face down an armed army and come of unscathed.
If I have Magneto’s powers, I wouldn’t be needing any weapons at all. I will use my enemies’ weapons on them. Unless of course their weapon is a wooden stick. If that is the case, it’s time to do some FULU-CHI trick (meaning, fulot chinilas kag magdalagan) – and pray that he comes across a knife and use it on you.
I could even challenge any one of the petty warlords, pick a fight, and watch as they reach for their guns. I guess the only real problem with Magneto’s powers is control. Otherwise, with all those knives coming at you, you might end up looking like a porcupine with a really bad hair day.
Of course, I don’t have to do anything as flashy as tearing down a bridge so I can travel with style. I can just tear down a vault in some Swiss bank and finally distribute Marcos’ money to those who deserve it before the government can lay its sticky paws on it (if it hasn’t yet).
2. The Scarlet Witch. Okay… so she has the ability to alter reality. Imagine what one can do with such powers! Here the possibilities are endless. I can alter reality in a way that I get the credit for creating Facebook. I can live a life of pure hedonism with Bacolod Spice in a mansion that rivals the New Government Center in sheer size (yeah, I know it’s a little small, but I don’t want something that’s too big – that would be too tacky).
Then, I would get the thickest-skinned members of the House of Congress – you know, those whose skin can double as wallets or belts – as members of my staff. The likes of the Arroyos will be my gardeners and pedicuristas.
“Gloria, you idiot, I said FRENCH pedicure!” *SLAP*
Hah! It would be like Mara Clara, adult version.
I will wield a (literal) whip to get them in line, (“Mikey, you moron, is this what you call medium-rare? WHIP!”), get them to massage my feet, or if I get bored, get two (former) solons to mud-wrestle.
Now, that’s what I call revenge. HARHARHAR!
The only thing is, the Scarlet Witch sometimes has no control of her powers – in fact the next mutant on this list had to shut her mind down at some point to prevent her from doing anymore damage.
1. Professor X. Ah… the ultimate. Ethics step back. I can control people’s minds, figure out what they are thinking. And expose them as frauds if I want to.
Imagine what you can do if you can control people’s minds. I can finally realize much of my fantasies. For instance, I can control the minds of the nurses in a really dismal government-run hospital (you know, the kind where you can get five different fatal, airborne diseases just by stepping on the lobby; where “going green” means having green mucus dripping out of your nose and gangrene oozing out of your skin – those sorts of things).
I can get the nurses assigned to dying tubercular patients to gather the, um, samples from their patients, collect said samples in a large receptacle, and make a biological weapon out of it, then hurl said “weapon” towards the direction of Congress.
The good thing about it is that nobody can be a reliable witness (not really sure about the Penal Code, but there is a clause about people under mind-control, is there?), so I can go scot-free – and a hero.
Runner-ups: Jean Grey. Storm. Gambit (making objects explode… cool – who needs Tyler Durden when you have Gambit?).