Dear Al. Acting with Keanu Reeves must have trautamized him – and hard. Really, how could you explain his career choices for the past 10 years? Quick, give me one, just one effing movie that he starred in where he is not channeling a crack addict from Hell’s Kitchen. I understand actors have to pay the bills, but Gigli? 88 minutes?
The last decent film he had was Carlito’s Way, and that was when the dinosaurs walked the earth. And really, how many people have watched 88 Minutes – a movie so bad, studio execs immediately shoved it under 50-cent bins in video stores. As a fan, it was painful watching Pacino unravel right before your eyes. He looks like my grandfather who doesn’t know where his pee bottle is, and he absolutely needs to go. He looks lost, as though taking directions from cue cards that his director left behind, so he doesn’t know where the heck he was supposed to go. Or maybe it’s because he just realized he is, again, in a bad film and he was utterly bewildered where his once brilliant career was going.
4. Ben Affleck
He peaked too early in his career. His last box-office hit was Pearl Harbor, and he was horrible in it. And then, the movies nobody came to watch. Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, has more online searches. The only way his handlers can ensure that the public won’t forget about him was to get his pic and his entangled love story with Supreme Skank J.Lo in all the trashy papers, right there beside Mary Kate Olsen’s anorexia and La Lohan’s boob job. *Sigh* He better get some serious advice from Matt. But then, Matt has talent, and Ben has… Jennifer Garner.
3. Robin Williams
His filmography is, I have to admit, evenly distributed. He started as a wacky funnyman, and the audience was willing to dismiss his misses (Flubber) and concentrate on what he does best (ad libs – his Genie is the best sidekick this side of the animated universe – yup, even above Donkey). Then, he branched off nicely enough into drama and thriller, showing that he’s not afraid of being cast against type. And all of his efforts are crushed under the weight of RV. Time to sign those retirement papers, Mr Williams.
2. Justine Timberlake
C’mon. He should have taken his cue from Britney. These singers should stick to what they do best. Nobody can be J.Lo (sing shitty, profitable songs and star in equally shitty, profitable movies). Stick to singing Justine, and leave the acting to veterans like… Madonna. And this brings us to…
1. Tom Cruise
Okay. His last five movies raked in mega-millions in the box office. But for the sake of humanity, he should retire. He is Scientology’s worst enemy. People who have second thoughts about the sanity of Scientology members would simply look at Mr Cruise to erase all doubts. People with that kind of mental soundness shouldn’t be making any more movies. They should find themselves a nice retirement home and private nurse. And that’s me being kind.