SUGARY MUSINGS, Uncategorized

X-MEN VS. HINILAWOD: DREAM MATCH-UPS TO DIE FOR | SUGARY MUSINGS by Hannah A. Papasin

This generation’s fascination with anything different – oooh, sparkly vampires! – has spurred it to embrace this cool group of outcasts who can control the weather, pass through walls, or have self-healing powers.  But how would they fare compared to the inhabitants or Mt Madyaas, those divine inhabitants with not-so-divine libidos and startlingly-human like flaws.

Negros Sugar has compiled four dream match-ups by pairing up an X-Men character (villain or otherwise) with  his/her counterpart in pre-colonial Philippine literature.  After consideration, here are the four

MYSTIQUE | Madalum kag malawig ang amon pagpang-usisa kon ngaa blue ang color ni Mystique | Ina nahanungod nga sang ini siya ginbayuok, natam-an banyos sang aniel | Photo from http://bit.ly/bCmuau

1. Mystique vs. Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata

Mystique is the shape-shifting and member of the Brotherhood, portrayed by a naked Rebecca Romijn in the movies.

Special Skills: Is able to assume any shape and form, knows martial arts, can rejuvenate cells fast and is practically ageless.

Is known for…  having blue skin and yellow eyes (probably representing alienation and, uh, Hepatitis A respectively); is known to strike fear in the hearts of anti-mutant advocates and even some members of the X-Men

Most memorable scene involves her sprouting an extra head and limbs, apparently giving literal meaning to the term “Two heads are better than one.”

Not to be confused with:  The Nightcrawler and Beast.  The only way to know for sure is to check for extra hair (none) and boobs (check).

Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata is a shape-shifting goddess Hinilawod and the wife of Humadapnon.  Looks like the Babae sa Balete Drive in pictures.

POSIBLE NGA LITRATO NI Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata matapos tikluron sang iya pakaisa sa bubon | Photo by http://bit.ly/kPcfbA

Special skills: Is able to assume any shape and form, knows handcrafts and pottery [citation needed], can be resurrected if stabbed accidentally, is practically immortal.

Is known for…  her intoxicating beauty, her shape-shifting abilities, and her ability to strike fear in the hearts of dyslexics everywhere.

Most memorable scene involves her being divided in two by her mother-in-law, so that she became Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata times two

Not to be confused with:  Mariang Makiling or Babae sa Balete Drive.  The only way to know for sure is ask for her calling card.

  • How they will fight:  This battle is pretty one-sided, even when there are two NYSDs.  Mystique will just simply employ her martial arts skills, morph into a Navy SEAL (the Special Ops agent, NOT the animal) and shoot the two NYSDs in the head with her HK machine pistols.   The two NYSDs will drop dead before they can call for their respective husbands.
  • Who will win:  Mystique, in five seconds flat.

STORM | Babaye nga hanginon kag nagapanguryente | Damo man mga babaye nga nagapanguryente sa plaza | Kabit sa balayan ang sentensya | Image from http://bit.ly/m8cUNx

2. Ororo Munroe vs. Lubay-lubyok Hanginun si Mahuyokhuyokon  

Ororo Munroe, otherwise known as Storm, is the weather witch of the X-Men, a mutant who can do almost practically anything about the weather except stop the El Niño (for some unknown reason).

Special skills:  Controlling the weather including the temperature in vast areas, is skilled in hand-to-hand combat

Is known for …  her white eyes and white hair, was deputy leader of X-Men and defeated Cyclops as leader of X-Men

Most memorable scene involves battling Callisto in hand-to-hand combat and thus became the leader of The Morlocks (not Buloy’s pet Morlock that died).

Not to be confused with:  Your grandmother.

Lubay-lubyok Hanginun si Mahuyokhuyokon  is the goddess of the evening breeze and is known as the sister of NYSD (not to be confused DKNY).   To get through her, Dumalapdap her future husband has to vanquish two monster-pets guarding her house.   PETA didn’t know.

Special skills:  Riding the evening breeze, knitting nice floral patterns and making sure you have a good night’s sleep by blowing soft breezes at night [citation needed]

WALA GID LITRATO si Lubay-lubyok Hanginun si Mahuyokhuyokon | Matyag namon daw amo amo sini ang iya dagway | Image from http://bit.ly/m1SogY

Is known for …  being the modern day Sleeping Beauty minus the sleeping and rape- while-sleeping part

Most memorable scene involves being rescued by Buyong Dumalapdap (yawn)

Not to be confused with:  Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella or Bella Swan or any of the damsels-in-distress who had to wait for a man to pick them up when they fall (idiots, let them die!)

How they will fight:  Storm will ask:  “Do you know what happens to a goddess when it gets hit by lightning?”  Then zaps her.  End of story.

Who Will Win: DUH!  Lubay-Lubyok is nothing more than a trophy wife:  impossibly hot but ultimately useless.  Kind of like Victoria Beckham.  Storm wins by a landslide.

SI ERIC DANE, ang artista sa papel ni Multiple Man | Ginbutang lang namon ini nga picture kay daw mas gwapo di siya sa Grey's Anatomy ukon ang Anatomy ni Grey | Image from http://bit.ly/lf0qH6

3. Multiple Man vs. Sikay Padalogdog

Jamie Madrox aka Multiple Man is a member of the Uncanny X-Men.  The X-Men movies identified him as a member of the Brotherhood, where he was portrayed by Eric Dane.

Special skills:  Can generate copies of himself, able to incorporate his copies’ thoughts and memories into his own

Is known for …  creating duplicates, or dupes, of himself, with each dupe capable of independent thought and action.

MULTIPLE MAN | Kontra sa RH Bill bangud mahilig magmu-ad nga tawo | Image from http://bit.ly/m9DSCO

Most memorable scene involves getting his copy to come inside one of his enemies – literally — causing him to explode.  This incident led to an inordinate amount of sex jokes afterwards.

Not to be confused with:  McSteamy, in Grey’s Anatomy.

Sikay Padalogdog is the villain who fought against Labaw Donggon, the hero of Hinilawod.  He has one-hundred arms.  Don’t ask me if he’s the bastard son of Shiva and the hydra.  Wasn’t there when THAT happened.

Special skills:  Knows arnis, krav maga, aikido and 50 other martial arts; can scratch his back without the help of others, can multi-task and update seven Facebook statuses in under a seven seconds[citation needed]

WE ARE SORRY | Si GMA gali ni ya | Karawkawan man galing duha lang ang kamot | Suliton ta lang, indi ni siya si Sikay Padalogdog nga isa ka gatos ang kamot

Is known for… running for office and then stealing taxpayer’s money – oh wait, that was ANOTHER hundred-armed monster.  Sorry.

Most memorable scene involves him fighting with Labaw Donggon.  Labaw Donggon bribed the authors of Hinilawod to make it appear that he won the fight.

Not to be confused with:  The Human Centipede.  Or GMA.

How they will fight:  Sikay Padalogdog will grab each of the dupes of Jamie Bradox then kill them one by one, Streetfighter Style.  The fight, much like 1678 other fights in Hinilawod, will last seven years.

Who Will Win: Sikay Padalogdog wins, hands down (no pun intended).

CONFIRMED | Indi lang kutsilyo ang ginatago sa kamot ni Wolverine | Swiss knife gid gali | Kita-on gid sa litrato nga may bread knife, kutsara kag tinidor | Ti mabato ka da? | Image from http://bit.ly/lJIb4a

4. Wolverine vs. Uyutang

Wolverine is also known as Logan, a feral member of the Uncanny X-Men.  He has no memory of his previous life and was a product of some military experiment gone awry.

Special skills:   Has rapid self-healing powers, superior fighting skills, and speed

Is known for… the adamantium, supposedly the hardest metal known to man, which was grafted onto his skeleton, making him virtually indestructible.

Most memorable scene involves him being stripped of his adamantium by Magneto during a fight.

Not to be confused with:  Freddy Krueger.  The only way to know for sure is to check whether you are asleep or not.

Uyutang is a monster-villain guarding the house of Lubay-Lubyok Hanginun si Mahuyok-huyokon.

Special skills:

Is known for… his fearsome bat-like countenance and dragon-like scales, and his fearsome cry which could cause shifts in the tectonic plates.

ULUNAGGID DIRI ang dagway ni Uyutang | Kalaw-ay gid ya ho! Sus! | Image from http://bit.ly/jcjP2H

Most memorable scene involves getting into a fight with Buyong Dumalapdap.  The fight was so vicious, it lasted seven years.  On the seventh year, Dumalapdap finally found the monster’s weakness (under the armpit) and stabbed it, causing Uyutang to cry so loudly, it created an earthquake that separated Panay from Buglas (or what is now called Negros).

Not to be confused with:  Your next-door neighbour who looks like a bat with her hair in curlers, whose voice is capable of waking the entire neighbourhood everytime her drunkard-husband comes home reeking of cheap cologne and beer.

How they will fight:   Wolverine is an astute fighter and can easily win this one – especially if he can run really fast once Uyutang screams in pain and divides the land they are standing on.  It’s a simple equation of adamantium being harder than dragon’s scales.

Who Will Win: Wolverine, after seven years.

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About Hannah|JuliusMariveles

English instructor and broadcast journalist

Discussion

10 thoughts on “X-MEN VS. HINILAWOD: DREAM MATCH-UPS TO DIE FOR | SUGARY MUSINGS by Hannah A. Papasin

  1. Hahaha. Indi ko katapos sang story kay mapatay ko sa captions pa lang. Great write-up! Hilarious! Will look forward to more of this…!

    Posted by Brian Herbert | May 7, 2011, 11:30 am
  2. ang kamot ni Wolverine daw supply sang Season’s Trading.

    Posted by lee | May 7, 2011, 11:36 am
  3. Go Sadako!!… ay Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata… 😀

    Posted by RPSmontecillo | May 7, 2011, 11:59 am
  4. If Mystique would be divided into two, would she live? Coz if indi, pigaw siya eh! :]

    Posted by meColee | May 9, 2011, 3:02 am
  5. Favorite Line:
    “Your next-door neighbour who looks like a bat with her hair in curlers, whose voice is capable of waking the entire neighbourhood everytime her drunkard-husband comes home reeking of cheap cologne and beer.”

    The beer I was drinking shot of my nose! lolirl!Daw ang tupad-balay ko gid tuod!

    Posted by Brian Herbert | May 9, 2011, 3:54 am
  6. Je veut l’un des rois mystique

    Posted by François andral | June 2, 2011, 2:37 pm

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