I. A whole lot of deaths. There’s a reason for the “death” in Deathly Hallows. Hedwig, Dobby, Mad-Eye Moody and George’s ear were just for starters. For those of you who have not read The Deathly Hallows – and that’s about, um, the 13 people out there – JK Rowling pretty much decimated everybody: Tonks, Lupin, Snape, and George’s twin.
The last Harry Potter book is like the Night of the Living Dead of books on witchcraft and wizardry; the people that you root for die in the most shocking manner while certain assholes manage to survive.
I also read in the Internet that in England, Rowling’s butler, a Fred Weasley fan, had tried to poison the author. Of course, since it’s the Internet we could never know for sure, but who knows, right?
II. A lot of things erupting from Harry’s wand, and all of the eruptions seem to occur when he’s around Ginny. The wand would might as well be an extension for Harry’s You-Know-What which seems to grow potent as he battles You-Know-Who.
In the book, Harry gets to be the rightful owner of the Elder Wand in a convoluted manner that only Rowling can understand. But he was “quite content” with his own and which is described as 11 inches long and was “nice and supple”. Quick, what else can you think of that is 11 inches long, is “nice and supple” that shoots “white stuff” at enemies?
Ron Jeremy reportedly took one look at Harry’s “wand” and wept.
III. If the movie would be faithful to the books, then there would be a lot of creatures making an appearance in the last Hogwarts Battle. Giants, enormous spiders, and terrifying plants like the venomous tentacula.
And you thought the Forbidden Forest scene in Chamber of Secrets was terrifying enough? Wait till the Hogwarts scene when they storm the Castle, at the behest of the Death Eaters, and they terrify students and teachers alike. Think of Shelob (of LoTR) and Aragog — and multiply them by hundreds.
It’s enough to develop arachnophobia overnight.
IV. Kreacher would be leading the house elves in the fight against Voldemort. You might say, So what? There are other more terrifying creatures than Kreacher. However, none of them look like an uncircumcised penis. He was one of the reasons why the first instalment of the Deathly Hallows was especially trying saved only by the appearance of the less ugly Dobby.
Dobby might look like he was crossed between President Putin and the discarded rag doll that was giving you nightmares as a child, but beside Kreacher, he looks like one of those cute cherubs in a Botticelli paintings.
I have to stop writing about Kreacher… I’m shuddering too hard to think about it.