SUGARY MUSINGS, Uncategorized

PIRATES VERSUS HINILAWOD HEROES | SUGARY MUSINGS by NegrosSugar

The last time, NegrosSugar compiled four dream match-ups by pairing up an X-Men character (villain or otherwise) with  his/her counterpart in pre-colonial Panay literature.  This time, with the furor over that pirate not entirely over, NegrosSugar has decided to pair this time heroes or villains from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise against their counterparts in the Panay epic tale of Hinilawod.

And here they are:

SHE CALLS HER LOVER Devee Joons - Calypso or Tia Dalma at left | Not to be confused with the daughter of Bob Marley at right | Calypso image from http://ow.ly/55K08 | Bob Marley image from http://ow.ly/55K0A

I. Calypso vs Piganun

Calypso a.k.a. Tia Dalma is a sea goddess known as Tia Dalma in human form.  According to Pirates of the Caribbean mythos, she was the one who provided Captain Jack Sparrow with the special compass.

Special Skills: Said to be able to control the seas, can bring back decomposing pirates back to life, speaks with a faux West Indie accent

Is known for…  her dread locks, boho chic style, beauty marks on her face, and preternaturally blackened teeth and lips (probably representing her otherworldliness – or the fact that she just ate pusit and failed to brush her teeth – hey, we’ll never know, really)

Most memorable scene involves her growing up to 60 feet tall after she was freed from her human bonds and turning into crabs, thousands of it. Then she turned into maelstrom that killed – nobody. Wimp.

Not to be confused with:  The bastard daughter of Bob Marley, or Tia Dalming, the town manicurista

Piganun is a shape-shifting enchantress who entranced Buyong Humadapnon for seven months.

Special skills: Will enchant sailors, demigods, and hapless men who manage get stranded on her island.

Is known for… her notoriously difficult-to-find address which only idiot-sons of gods like Humadapnon can find – but only accidentally.  To find her, you will have to pass by the region of the clouds, then through the region of eternal darkness, and finally to a place called  Tarambang Buriraw.

Most memorable scene involves her showing her allergy to ginger after Buyong Matanayon burned seven slices of the spice to drive her away.  Wimp.  No taho for this lady.

Not to be confused with:  Circe or Ginmayunan, another sorceress who enchanted chick magnet Humadapnon.

  • How they will fight: Calypso will turn into thousands of crabs, which will be an advantage since Piganun’s charms had never once worked on crustaceans (or so I think).  Piganun will try to capture all the crabs and will collapse with exhaustion.
  • Who will win:  Calypso, but only after Piganun died of exhaustion.

II. Davy Jones vs. Saragnayan

Davy Jones is the captain of the Flying Dutchman who was cursed after failing to ferry souls to the other side (not to be confused with Bruno Mars’song).  Known for being heartless  — his invincibility is mainly because his heart is kept under lock and key in a chest.

TOP LEFT - Davy Jones of the Flying Dutchman | Not to be confused with the squid adobo | Image at right is the baboy ramo | Davy Jones image from http://ow.ly/55K3F | Squid image from http://ow.ly/55K4q | Baboy ramo image from http://ow.ly/55K4H

Special Skills: Can teleport, able to pass through solid objects; also skilled in swordsmanship; can make beard move on its own accord (though my uncle can also do this after he has a bottle of gin in him)

Is known for…  his tentacle beard.  Also for being an idiot.  If he can pass through solid objects, what is he doing needing the key to the chest for?   Also, if he can teleport, then he should have done so several times during battle.  Also has a locker where he presumably keeps his socks… no wait, that was the OTHER Davey Jones from Spongebob Squarepants.  (Note to self:  Should stop watching Spongebob marathons).

Most memorable scene involves him battling Captain Jack Sparrow atop the ship’s mast.  Despite his “supernatural” powers, Sparrow was able to take the upper hand.

Not to be confused with:  The squid you just ate for dinner

Saragnayan is the lord of darkness who subdued Hinilawod’s hero by thrashing him with a coconut tree.  Also known to have kept his heart inside his pet, a baboy ramo in an enchanted forest.

Special Skills: Is skilled in hand-to-hand combat; inventive in use of weapons (as shown by that coconut tree thrashing he gave to Labaw Donggon)

Is known for…  his beautiful wife Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata, which spurred Labaw Donggon to challenge the Lord of Darkness in a fight, which caused him to beat up the punk demigod,  which caused Labaw Donggon’s sons Asu Mangga ang Buyong Baranugon to avenge their father’s death, which in turn… ah never mind.

Most memorable scene involves him being submerged under water by Labaw Donggon for seven years, showing that the man is half-amphibian. And he survived, that’s important.

Not to be confused with:  Aquaman.  Or Hades.  Or Aquaman crossed with Hades.  Whatever.

How they will fight:  Since Davey Jones cannot be on land (unless he puts a bucket of water beneath him), then that means that the fight leans towards Saragnayan’s favour.  He will try to drown Saragnayan  but Saragnayan will survive the attempt.  In the end, Saranayan will use his powers to shatter the chest and stab Davey Jones’ heart. He then becomes the new captain of the Dutchman.

Who will win: The smarter warrior who in this case is Saragnayan (duh!)

III. Will Turner vs. Humadapnon

Will Turner is the son of “Bootstrap” Bill Turner, a smithy who turned to piracy. He later on became captain of the Dutchman.

Special Skills: Skilled in swordfighting and, uh, boinking Elizabeth Swann.

ERAP ESTRADA, (left) former president, not to be confused with Humadapnon | At right, Will Turner | Erap image from http://ow.ly/55K71 | Will Turner image from http://ow.ly/55K7k

Is known for…  his sword-making skills, questionable ethics (engaging in piracy and deceit just to rescue the ones he loves – he seems like the ancestor to our politicians), his self-discipline.  I mean, having sex only every 10 years?  The man is a saint!

Most memorable scene… is… um… wait, I’m still thinking. Oh… when he returns as the captain of the Dutchman.  That was because I heard a crash behind me, followed by a scream and an ugly “THUD”.  Some Orlando Bloom fan cracked her skull against the theatre floor after fainting.

Not to be confused with:  Legolas.

Humadapnon is one of the demigod sons of Alunsina. He and brothers Labaw Donggon and Dumalapdap are the heroes of Hinilawod.

Special Skills: Skilled in the use of the kampilan, has very strong lungs (with wives like Burigadang Pada Sinaklang Bulawan and Nagmalitong Yawa Sinagmaling Diwata, he can’t help it); has super strength.

Is known for…  being a chick magnet, the only known literary hero who was stranded in an island and was trapped by a beautiful enchantress – TWICE!  Eat your heart out, Odysseus!

Most memorable scene when he battled an eight-headed monster in the underworld so that he could get to his wife, Nagmalitong Yawa Sinag— you know her – whom he stabbed to death.  Why?  Because the wh*re married another man while Humadapnon was away for a mere seven years.  Tsk, women…

Not to be confused with:  Erap Estrada, or any other leader with multiple wives

How the will Fight:  They won’t. They will exchange notes on their imposed celibacy – Will Turner, being celibate every 10 years, and Humadapnon, for letting his wife wait for seven years before sleeping with her.  They will then bewail their idiocy over bottles of rum and tuba.

A SCENE FROM THE MOVIE FIGHT CLUB | Image from http://eu.techcrunch.com

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About Hannah|JuliusMariveles

English instructor and broadcast journalist

Discussion

6 thoughts on “PIRATES VERSUS HINILAWOD HEROES | SUGARY MUSINGS by NegrosSugar

  1. Davy Jones looks like sud-an.

    Posted by givemetravelfunds | May 30, 2011, 11:28 am
  2. Sobra2x ka na gid imo, Ms.Hannah yah! indi na na husto nga si Davey Jones e kumparar sa adobo nga pusit! haha.. “release the kraken!”

    Posted by Kamille Sophia | May 30, 2011, 11:32 am
  3. kraken is a good name for deep fried squid tentacles.

    Posted by givemetravelfunds | May 30, 2011, 11:59 am

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