In horror films, there’s the truly terrifying (The Shining, Ringu), the unsettling (Rosemary’s Baby) and the truly lame (pick any of the Hollywood adaptations of Asian horror).
And then there’s The Jonas Brothers movie.
But I’m not talking about THAT kind of horror movie.
I’m talking about the real deal, the kind that gives you nightmares at night, the kind that keeps your imagination haywire (“That friggin’ thing under my bed is ALIVE!”), the kind that keeps that lamp by your bedside burning until sunrise.
And so as Halloween nears, Negros Sugar and Bacolod Spice are rounding up a series of dream match-ups between horror icons in Hollywood and our very own horror characters.
For the first time ever, Negros Sugar and Bacolod Spice are using a software program that will analyze the results of the battles. Negros Sugar’s analyses of each character will be fed to a computer, and the results will be interpreted by Bacolod Spice.
1. Chucky of Child’s Play vs. Tiyanak
Now this is going to be interesting. One is a plastic toy from Hell and the other is a Devil’s Spawn. Both are retarded. Really. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand how any self-respecting adult could fall victim to either creatures.
I mean, get the little f*ckers in front of me and I’ll punt them like footballs. Let’s see if they can survive the hit – not when I make sure they land on their tiny heads.
But then again, no self-respecting adult – especially one that knows how to think straight – would be caught dead (pun intended) in a film about killer dolls and demon infants that look like Cabbage Patch Dolls mated with piranhas. So the plot about adults getting killed by pint-sized no-brained creatures is believable, after all. Sort of.
VERDICT: Chucky wins. The tiyanak’s inability to manipulate fire proved to be is undoing. If the tiyanak were up against Mike Tyson in an ear-biting contest, it could have stood a chance. But not with Chucky. Unknown to the tiyanak, Chucky’s melamine-reinforced plastic body will remain resistant to its bite. Chucky also found out about the tiyanak’s swaddling clothes that, once burned, will lead to the tiyanak’s death. And burn it Chucky did. Possible sequel: Chucky versus Chuckie the Cow or Chuck Norris.
2. Sadako vs. the Undin
Everybody knows Sadako: the Japanese model for rebonded hair and bad shampoo commercials. According to mythos, she was the kind who can kill just by wishing it, giving a whole new meaning to the term “if looks could kill”. She was said to be the spawn of the goblin of the sea (Don’t you just luuuuuuuuurv this Japanese monsters?) which makes her a kindred spirit for the REAL goblin of the sea, the Undin.
Now the undin is one helluva interesting-looking creature. Think Edcel Lagman crossed with any of Jim Henson’s puppets and you get the drift. She also has this deadly weapon: acute halitosis. And when I say, acute, I say “Damn!” That creature’s saliva can cut through flesh. No wonder the woman is bitter. She couldn’t get a decent date – most of them are probably complaining about her lack of dental hygiene. Or else their innards have melted after that first kiss. Take your pick.
VERDICT: Both can rival the Navy SEALS in water-borne operations. Sadako spent a lot of time inside the well while the undin was able to navigate the feces clogged esteros and poso negro of the Philppines. Judging by this alone, if the fight were to take place in water, the undin wins. In this fight, I have to give it to the undin. Possible sequel: Undin versus Dyesebel.
3. Leatherface vs Kokey
Once upon a time, Tobe Hooper was more than just a director of shitty , straight to video movies – the proof is in the 70’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre featuring Leatherface, a character loosely based on serial killer Ed Gein (or was it the governor of Maguindanao? I’m not sure now). Now, I’m not the kind to get scared easily. I watched Saw, Hostel and the first Friday the 13th within even blinking, not even when some naked nubile teen-ager gets a well-deserved harpoon under her heaving breasts.
But there is something about the way Leatherface wields his chainsaw that make him terrifying even for jaded ol’ moi. Jason has got nothing on this man. I mean, give me a break – a machete vs. a chainsaw? If we go by Freud’s “bigger d*ck theory”-analysis, then Leatherface wins by a mile.
Now, Kokey. I know Kokey is not strictly a horror icon. A sci-fi rip-off, yes. But take a hard long look at the creature. He looks disconcertingly like an uncircumcised penis. And that is terrifying by itself.
Interesting, huh? One carries a phallic symbol while the other looks like a d*ck. This match I got to see.
VERDICT: Kokey looks like a radio reporter that I know who is in the CAFGU payroll of the Army. No matter what he does, Kokey is not combat ready. But Leatherface is. Kokey is one creature who brought a knife to a gunfight. Leatherface’s sheer brutality left Kokey looking like a chorizo that burst from its skin. Undeniably, Leatherface wins. Possible sequel: Leatherface versus the Manananggal of Shake, Rattle and Roll I.
4. Regan MacNeill of The Exorcist vs Pridyider of Shake, Rattle and Roll
What, you might ask does an 11-year-old girl with extraordinarily limber neck and a piece of appliance have in common?
Both are possessed, that’s what. And both become all the more horny because of it. For me, the most horrific scene in The Exorcist wasn’t the spiderwalk nor the 360-degree rotation of poor Regan’s neck. It has to be the masturbation-with-a-crucifix scene and no amount of pea soup vomit could erase THAT off my mind.
Similarly, the climax of the killer Pridyider is nothing compared to the earlier creepy scene where a skimpily-clad Janice de Belen tried to cool herself by opening the refrigerator door, posing like an underpaid stripper and moaning like a two-bit porn star. No wonder the fridge went nuts! And the premise of an inanimate object getting turned on just went downhill from there. I mean, we’ve heard of appliances being used as aids for sex. But an entire refrigerator? Eat your heart out Paris Hilton!
VERDICT: Pridyider wins. When Regan and the possessed ref faced off, Regan made the mistake of saying “f**k me.” She forgot that the Pridyider, unlike the priest, carried no crucifix. Just think of the next scene when the Pridgidger graciously gave in to Regan’s request. Possible sequel: Pridgider versus Constructicons of Transformers.
5. Damien from The Omen vs GMA
Damien is the arguably the biggest, meanest mother*cker of them all. I mean, if you call the Lord of Darkness and the Prince of Lies as “Pop”, then you know you are in it big time. Imagine the kind of minion he has: demons, evil nannies, creatures of the night, corrupt politicians and lawyers. He has them all.
Then there’s GMA. What she lacks in size, she more than makes up for cunning and ambition. Excepting a few trolls out there who are out idiotic or deluded enough to believe that GMA is doing a great job, we all know what that the former President can put even Hannibal Lecter to shame.
So who will win? The legit heir to the throne in hell, or the Pokemon usurper?
The former is known to steal, cheat and lie to get what he wants, while GMA is known to… wait. I’m not sure if I’m talking about the same person. Hmm… Let Bacolod Spice’s computer decide the outcome.
VERDICT: I had to make a few adjustments to the software on this one. For sheer cunning and evil, Damien wins. Not because he is more evil than the Evil Queen. The titanium implant did GMA in. Damien, long a student of MMA and wrestling, executed a pile driver, breaking the spine of the Evil Reincarnate. Possible sequel: Mikey versus Damien.
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