Quick, what would you do if there’s a serial killer on the loose and you and your friends are THIS close to getting your head as somebody’s mantelpiece decor. Would you A) call the police; B) refuse to get out of the house until the case is solved; C) constantly check on your loved ones with a paranoia that borders on the Orwellian; D) go to a rave party, get drunk and make out with the first naked person you see – never mind if said person is carrying a machete.
If you answered D, congratulations. You are either a candidate for the Darwin Awards, or you’re a character from that sub-genre of horror marked with jiggling boobs, masked psychos, bloody machetes and naked, dim-witted blondes rewarded with a harpoon in the eye.
Here, we have compiled a list of signs that would help you determine if you are stuck in a slasher film. And hopefully, this list can help you survive.
- You are surrounded by half-naked girls (most likely frustrated/underpaid porn starlets) screaming in falsetto when they should be running for their lives.
You know the type: blonde, big-breasted girls with tiny waistlines, the walking mannequins who look like Pamela Lee on crack. They’re as hot as they are daft and screwing them is like screwing with your cousin’s blown-up doll.
Every horror movie has a disposable blonde (my favorite was Paris Hilton – was cackling with maniacal laughter when she got it in House of Wax), because in the convoluted logic of the Horror-verse, brunettes have better chances of surviving the carnage. How to spot these girls? Look at their clothes. If the only things being covered are their nipples and their pubes, then chances are you are looking straight at the Big Disposable One (BDO).
To confirm that you are with the BDO, wait for bad guy to enter the scene. If the guy with the machete /chainsaw/big knife/phallus enters and starts swinging around his weapon of choice, everybody is
supposed to start running for their lives. The BDO won’t – not because she’s particularly brave; she’s just spectacularly stupid. She’ll just stand there and scream until her tonsils (um – sorry, her uvula) are visible. And that’s the cue for the psycho killer to shove the weapon into her gaping maw.
2. A typical conversation in a horror movie goes like this:
Dude 1: Hey, dude. Did you hear about Blake? F*cker was found with his head far down his a$$ — literally.
Dude 2: Yeah, dude. And I heard that the killer is coming this way.
BDO suddenly enters.
BDO: Hey, wanna party and screw?
Dude 1 and 2: Hell, yeah!
And that was the last we see of the trio. See, in horror movies, people have time to screw and partaaaaaaaaY even with the psycho killer loose in their midst. People are being hacked left and right, a guy was just found dead with what appears to be an ice pick stuck on his groin and Suzy the resident BDO’s half-naked body was found with a giant hack mark across the face.
And what do people do?
If you say panic and wring their hair in utter fright, then you clearly have not been to a horror movie.
But if you answer “get wasted, party like crazy and copulate like bunnies”, then congratulations. You know how the minds of horror movie characters work. And if you think just like them, so much the better.
Just don’t expect to live that long.
3. The villain is directly descended from Padre Pio.
Or at least he can be in two places at once.
You’ve seen how it is in horror movies. The victim is running for her/his life, practically sprinting over obstacles and outrunning ostriches, emus and Usain Bolt. All the while, the killer carries on in his usual pace, you know, promenading, smelling the flowers and petting small animals along the way.
The victim, thinking he/she is safe, stops to take deep breaths and readjusts his/her metatarsophalangeal joint (I don’t know exactly what that means – I just like using pretentious words, like some writers I know – harharhar!). Then, right at that moment when the victim was catching his/her breath, the villain suddenly appears and effectively drives an axe down said victim’s skull.
It’s illogical and physically impossible. In other words, it’s just plain stupid.
So how to explain this phenomenon?
Why simple! The villain can be in two places at once! It’s either that, or the script was written by somebody who couldn’t wait to get paid.
However, the Lazy Scriptwriter Theory does not carry as much drama as The Villain is Padre Pio’s Bastard Son theory.
4. The villain has a temper, true. And sometimes, you can feel that temper when he has buried his axe down your spine.
But as terrifying as the villain’s temper is, there is nothing more horrific than the thought that said villain simply could not be killed.
Yes dear readers. Just as we have suspected. The villain is an incarnation of the Dalai Lama!
I mean, really, take Jason for instance. First time we saw him, he was a decomposing corpse at the bottom of the lake (the reason why his mother was doing all those killings in the first instalment). The next thing we know, he was doing all the killings in the second instalment. He was killed in the third instalment, resurrected in the fourth and in one of the potboiler-sequels, he was even seen SWIMMING as he chases his victims. Apparently, between hacking those poor naked souls to pieces, Jason found time to pay for swimming lessons.
Ah, well. We can credit the lapse again on the Lazy Scriptwriter Theory, but that robs the franchise of whatever mystique it has left. So we go to the mystical, more illogical reason.
So if you’ve successfully decapitated the killer and the next day, he comes right back with a new head, then you certainly are in a slasher movie – most likely a franchise.
And the best thing to do is run.
Or maybe just scream. There’s no point in running as he can be in two places at once.